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Posted: Sunday, December 23, 2001 12:00 am

Post-Christmas cheer is coming

Special to the Herald

Gina Tiano

Its not Christmas day you look forward to, but the day after when all the

wrapping paper and bows will be put away for next year and gifts placed

proudly in their new homes.

Itll be a day when theres not much to do but sit on the couch and wait for

the credit card bills to pour in.

Right?

Wrong!

Lets not forget about after-Christmas sales!

Therell be no time to take down the tree; we must risk life and limb, and

like salmon during spawning season, to fight the current to the malls and

participate in the traditional and highly competitive Last One There is a

Rotten Egg sale.

Well scramble through stores in the company of packs of other holiday

shoppers, slashing the air with sharpened Master Cards, looking for the one

remaining department store clerk (who well never find because shell be

huddled in the fetal position in a dressing room, murmuring, Jingle bells,

jingle bells, jingle bells...

The holiday spirit will still be in full swing, the loudspeakers sputtering

holiday tunes, and women wearing frightening quantities of makeup lunging out

from behind pillars, spraying shoppers with fragrances with names like

Chanels Pour Monsieur.

I agree: poor misters. All around wide-eyed guys will make their way through

the crowds like lost puppies let out of the dog house long enough to return

merchandise and shop for a gift that is thoughtful and appropriate.

Last year there was a man standing behind me at Victorias Secret. He was tall

with red hair and freckles and looked like a giant Howdy Doody. I heard him

tell another lady in line that he had just returned a porta potty to the

neighborhood drug store and was buying his wife fishnet thigh-high hosiery.

My wife told me last year that I had better buy her something personal this

year, Howdy said. Since shes always complaining about having only one

bathroom, I thought a porta potty would be just the thing.

You remind me of my ex! the woman replied in a huff.

Dont you get it, guys? You havent got a chance! Gift certificates are the

answer. But, then again, maybe not.

Its not just men wholl be pounding the pavement. There will be women with

little kids who have been banished to the mall so that their husbands can

watch football in peace.

And it always amazes me how some well-organized shoppers will begin looking

for bargains for NEXT Christmas. These ahead-of-the-game bargain hunters are

easy to spot because theyre usually menopausal women fanning themselves

furiously with discount circulars.

Open the windows, folks! Let the cool, Christmas air in.

After spending half the day fighting the crowds and the other half battling

traffic, I will return home frazzled and frayed, ready to chase down turkey

sandwiches with Aunt Foys rum cake and cup of eggnog.

Can hardly wait until the day after Christmas!

Gina Tiano wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas and happy and safe New

Year. God bless you!

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