Male Call: Her old fling makes fiance turn green

Before I started dating my fiance, I had a short fling with a guy from our mutual group of friends.

The problem is that my fiance, who knows about the fling, gets upset any time we're around the other guy. (We're all still part of the large group of friends.) I try to tell him I have no feelings for the guy, which I don't, but it doesn't seem to matter. Why can't he just get over it?

- Anonymous

He's trying to tell you something by his behavior, something he's unable to articulate using, you know, words. What he's trying to say is, "I'm a whiny crybaby with an insecure streak as wide as a ‘70s necktie, and if you're smart, you'll get out now before I start monitoring your cell phone records and insisting you wear a burqa while mowing my lawn."

So the guy has something of a jealousy issue. Which, granted, might be slightly better than someone who never feels even a twinge of jealousy - that's the sign of either a zombie or a doormat, and neither is much fun to date, much less live with.

But OK, we understand, you love the big lug, and maybe terminating with extreme prejudice is not your first choice of remedy. Let's examine the problem using the time-honored Take a Long Look in the Mirror approach: If you knew your fiance and a friend of yours had had a carnal tete-a-tete or two (before you had a chance to show him the true promised land, of course), would you then be able to enjoy carefree cocktail banter with the friend? More to the point, would you be cool with your fiance and the ex-paramour engaging in unchaperoned banter at the punch bowl? Oh, you would? Never mind then.

See, that's the difference between men and women. In a situation like the party scene you mentioned, a man's Terror Alert System would quickly escalate from yellow - it's never below yellow, just so you know - to orange to red: Your erstwhile bump buddy: "Hey, how's it going?" Your fiance: "What the hell is that supposed to mean, pal? And what are you looking at - never seen a dog leash before?" Women, on the other hand, would be off in a corner comparing notes over strawberry daiquiris.

Which is not to say rampant jealousy is to be condoned. In fact, the rule of thumb should be that, aside from a few exceptions, like, say, prison terms and out-of-wedlock children, the particulars of past relationships should remain in the past. No need to share - or be jealous about - the gory details.

Of course, your case is slightly different, in that the gory details keep popping up with a Coors in his hand. Our advice is to continue to reassure your guy, keep him away from sharp objects at parties and if he persists in sulking, either take the easy, though ignoble, way out and find some new friends or (you knew this was coming, didn't you?) find a new fiance. Those burqas can chafe, anyway.

Male Call answers questions from men and women on etiquette, relationships, men's style and more. Write to malecall@mercurynews.com.