A news conference we'd all like to see

Editor:

I don't know if this will happen in my lifetime, but just once I would like to see a high-profile married female politician appear before the news media and admit to having an affair with another man. As she sobbingly expresses her regret, her loyal and suffering husband will be at her side staring at her with loving and understanding eyes.

Well, eventually this will happen, but certainly not today.

It would be nice to see something different when a male politician is forced to stand before the television cameras and admit to an affair or a series of affairs.

This is the scenario I would like to see: "With that, we now go live to a press conference of Governor Womanizer, who has agreed to address the issue of his extramarital affairs."

Governor Womanizer: "In the past few days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with my lovely wife and my gorgeous daughters. The remorse and disgust I feel will always be with me. Although, I must admit it wasn't remorse what I was feeling during the 10 years of multiple affairs I had with 22-year-old blondes."

"Governor Womanizer, where is your wife? Why isn't she with you?"

"Yes, my lovely and patient wife has forgiven me and she will join the press conference shortly (I hope). As I was saying, I would like to ask the media to allow my family and me to work out our issues in private and that you give my wife and children the respect I didn't give them while I was chasing hookers in Florida."

"Governor Womanizer, why are you so stiff and why are you limping? Your lips look swollen and why are you wearing sunglasses inside the press room?"

"Gee Reporter Nosy, I was hoping no one would notice."

"Governor Womanizer, just tell us what happened."

"Come on Reporter Nosy, what do you think happened? After the news broke out about the 80 women I have been with, and let's not forget the high-priced 21-year-old prostitutes, my wife got the broom and beat me up in every room of the Governor's Mansion."

"Governor Womanizer, I just noticed you're barefoot.'

"I think I lost my shoes after my three daughters grabbed a mop and came after me. I had to get away quickly."

"So, is it fair to say your wife won't be showing up for the news conference?"

"Please be serious. If she does, it will only be to shoot me. Listen, I need some painkillers, please! Members of the press, I asked and begged my lovely wife to make good and to put on that pained but loving look as she stood next to me during the press conference, but that just seemed to get her angrier."

"Governor Womanizer, it sounds like the fire department sirens are coming this way. What is that awful smell? I think something is burning."'

"Members of the Press, I was just informed that my wife and daughters burned all my clothing in a bonfire on the front lawn of the mansion."

"Governor Womanizer, you don't appear contrite like Bill Clinton."

"Come on, I got caught, my name is mud, tonight I will be the butt of all jokes during late night TV, "Saturday Night Live" will mock me until my promising career is flushed down the commode. Every time I try to appease my wife, she goes into a violent rage. Why can't she be like Hillary?"

"Governor Womanizer, we just heard that your wife and three daughters have destroyed your 2009 Corvette. We need to go and witness this."

"Go and please ask my wife to forgive me. I need a place to stay tonight."

Frank Garcia

Harlingen